By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Several of my cousins are movie stars now. They got parts in the new Oliver Stone movie they're making in Dallas called "JFK." Oliver refuses to reveal what the letters "JFK" stand for, and if you ask him for a copy of the script, he sends six security guards to your house with "Riders on the Storm" blaring out of their ghetto blasters, and they won't leave until you sign a statement that says, "I will never reveal what is in Oliver Stone's movie, even after the movie comes out."
In other words, "JFK" don't stand for "Just For Kicks." There's some heavy security surrounding this project, and Oliver's just a little touchy on the subject.
First he told the press, "I'm not saying it IS a conspiracy-theory movie, and I'm not saying it's NOT a conspiracy-theory movie. Is this room bugged? I don't think the whole story has been told, but, after all, we're just making movies here. Are you CIA? I don't think this is a valid issue to be discussed in the press. Marina Oswald's KGB contact has, however, been following me for 12 years."
I happen to have some opinions on this subject, mostly because my cousin Wilbur was hired as an extra to stand in Dealey Plaza carrying an umbrella that fired poison darts. Then there was my cousin Horace, who was part of the thirteen-man submachine-gun squad concealed behind the Grassy Knoll during the filming of the assassination scene. But most of my information comes from Blanche Verona, my sister-in-law, who was hired on the special effects crew. It was her job to wire Jackie Kennedy's pillbox hat with a miniature spy camera.
I don't mean to say this guy is paranoid, but, out of the 27,000 people who have come to Dallas over the last 30 years trying to prove conspiracy theories, Oliver Stone may be the number one loony in the bin. Remember the British guy who spent two years getting permission to dig up Lee Harvey Oswald's body so he could check his teeth? Well, this movie is evidently WEIRDER than THAT.
First, it's based on a book by Jim Garrison, the former New Orleans district attorney who's done nothing for the last 25 years but invent NEW conspiracy theories, including one where Kennedy was killed by elephant handlers in the Barnum and Bailey Circus because he wasn't doing enough to protect the endangered gorillas of Borneo.
Next, he hires Kevin Costner to BE JIM GARRISON IN THE MOVIE!
Let me repeat that.
The main role in the movie "JFK" is not JFK. It's not LBJ. It's not Governor Connally or Jackie or Chief Justice Warren or Lee Harvey Oswald or Jack Ruby. The main role in the movie is this FLAKE from Nawluns.
Of course, if you asked Oliver, the only reason we think Jimbo Garrison is a flake is that he's been persecuted by the media conspiracy, the Cuban conspiracy, the FBI conspiracy, the CIA conspiracy, the conspiracy of the doctors at Parkland Hospital, the conspiracy of all the employees at the Texas School Book Depository, and now the conspiracy of all guilty Texans to whitewash what their state did to the president.
We have a few theories about "JFK" ourselves.
It stands for Just Full of Krap.